feint touch
his finger tips brushed away from my skin. the spots it had been tingled and exuded a warm aura. as i watched him walk away my chest ached. i felt sick. my brain was clear. i could only watch. my mouth open but no sound escaped. my breath held. time paused. but still he drifted away.
the blanket falls across my back. i jostle around a bit. my peace disturbed. i give up and toss the blanket up. a small wave ripples down towards my feet. the fabric barely leaving my toes before embracing quickly again. the cool air flows around my body. as the sheet falls down slower and slower. my body blanketed by its cool touch. i close my eyes. imagine someone instead. anyone. a concept more than a person. my chest warms. my arms stop imperceptibly shivering. my leg folds inwards into my chest. an automatic response. the still air calms my breathing. the sounds of inhaling and exhaling fill my ears. i imagine it as someone elses. like im holding my breath and the sound must be something else. not mine. theirs. that concept that has now completely enveloped not only my body but mind. my thoughts drift to different places. a forest that stands around me invitingly. the canopy stretching into a horizon just above my eyeline. yet i feel not claustrophobia or fear. my mind drifts to a beach. the soft waves lapping at the sand. asking quietly for attention. taking small grains away. do i notice the grains. do i imagine them. the warmth spreads further around me and my legs explore their way home. i roll onto my back. soaking in the new sensation of the cool bed against my skin and the cool air around my feet. my mind drifts to a park. a swing absently soars back and forth. a pendulum. entrancing. back. and forth. the chain curves slightly. as if the empty seat was not as weightless as it seemed. a creak causes me to turn. the little turn table spins itself. squeaking every other rotation or so. my mind drifts. the blanket has embraced me fully. it warmly. gently. flows over me. i imagine the sensation is a finger. moving around my body. i focus on one area. the nape around my neck. i focus lower. as if tracing a path around my chest to my belly button. i unfocus a bit. making the area wider. i imagine a palm pushing slightly. reassuringly. i smile. i wake up. the bird chirps. i have slept through another night. a success. perhaps.
she switches off the light. the lamp is cold. the room was warm. her face is paler. she smiles. i react. shifting away slightly. she sits down and swings her legs under the cover. the motion creates a draft. i shiver. she silently leans back into the bed. her head drifting elegantly onto the pillow. i watch. half imagine. the motions. her nail brushes against my thigh. i flinch. its cold. her hand finds its way firmly onto my leg. the remains of the encounter lost. the area warms. she squeezes. my eyes shut in response. i open them and its dark. the bathroom light bounces off the dark carpet and barely fills the room. my eyes. older. barely make out the walls. her hand falls away. i close my eyes. my hand finding hers. i squeeze. she squeezes back. i smile. a strange exhale. she has smiled too. my mind calm. my mind drifts. i wake and she is gone.
i watch the gulls as if they are fighting. cawing. making such noise. going back and forth. their dance almost makes an eight. like infinity. an infinity different to my own. a fight so distant from reality. this reality. a reality. my mind drifts. i catch glints off the water's surface. small ripples and waves creating together a sight more impactful than any other. she holds his hand. he holds hers. i watch the sun set. from the water. the colour of the sand. the fading of the gulls. she walks away. he follows. he turns and walks the other way. she turns and follows. they both stop and look at each other. their hands drift upwards. like a ghost. a zombie. the undead. their love alive. i watch them dance. i hear laughter. i imagine smiles. my mind drifts. i wake and can smell the battle of coffee. the war of mint. the gentle accents of rose. the overwhelming force of a frying pan. the oil splashing around. i imagine them moving the pan around. cooking evenly. carefully. caringly. i imagine them. the other them. sitting and watching. or setting the table. or standing nearby. i imagine them. and they are there. here. with me. i imagine them. or are they real. he smiles. she giggles. they eye each other and laugh. i smile. i take a step forward. and the world spins to black.
the soft touch on one hand. the warm touch on the other. they calm me. and i am calmed. different. same. i smile. maybe its ok. maybe we can be. real.